An Ambivalent mother’s thoughts…..

30 Mar

Why…why did I have to get up feeling this way……something similar to what I’d felt on the evening of 16th May’2009-I famously term it the “The Un-Symbiosis of Umbilical cord”

The second time when I felt this way was when I stopped nursing my little imp….It felt so strange to feel that way….until now he was so damn dependent on me…I was his food/sleep/poop support and what not and in a day the guy was all by himself…not too sad with “Good Life” ūüôā (thats a brand of milk here sold only in karnataka…wondered all my life why would it be so named…well now I know:-(

I am an overly obsessive person by nature…fine!!! So whats the big deal about it???

Except that people around in my house feel¬†claustrophobic¬†with my OCD of¬†cleanliness…people at work always wanted to kill me for my supposed perfectionism….glad they didnt….

There is a reason for everything…for the previous act not happening as well…

And that is I had to be around to feel the way that I am currently….

You know great events dont need ¬†to elicit blog posts….like in my case…all that had to happen was pretty straightforward

“VEDANT HAD TO START SCHOOL”

Whoa-before you think its because I would have time to blog in his absence…let me put things into perspective

its purely because I am so damn WORRIED!!!!!

¬†When the child separates from the mother, he is no longer a symbiotic infant, a dependent attached toddler or child. Probably with this separation there might come a feeling in Vedant that “I will be all right even without amma.” But what about amma…would I ever feel that way….I have my doubts in the current context:-(

Ok so here is how I feel:

“Will my child be okay? Will he be unhappy, angry with me, sad, scared?”

It is often very painful and frightening for me to think of Vedu having to suffer difficult feelings.

So I guess there is a lot of learning for me to do from my little one… Here I am finding this whole experience of separation intolerable. If you ask me what is the worry about, I may just not have an answer. A Mother’s worry is irrational:-)…isnt it?

But well…who doesnt go through this….most mortal moms sure would and soon it would most hopefully fizz out with the prospects of some “me” time at the gym, parlour or maybe even a nice cuppa coffee with a long lost friend….

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† GO FOR IT MY BOY…You are out there to conquer and this is the just the beginning…..!!!!

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Vomitting is normal…..Yeah why not!!!!

30 Mar

Mommy: Vedant can you please finish your milk

Vedant:No….No

Mommy:Alright….so here is the deal…1…2…..3 and wooosh….there you go my little rascal…right into the cockroach bathroom…

Vedant:Cholly amma(read:Sorry)…cholly amma…

Mommy:”Thinking aloud” So is this the sorry for keeps…may be it is…poor boy..let me get him out

OK Vedant, before the count of 10, you finish the milk and amma is as angelic as ever ūüôā

Vedant:Ok

1-ahhh…milk not nishe(read:nice)

2-in go two efforted gulps

3-Amma, my tummy is hurting

4- VEDANT(upper case~Louder mommy)

5-two more gone after much deliberation

6-One gulp on its way

7-Amma-I promise to finish my egg……Mommy pretending to be selectively deaf

8-Conditional Burps….Mommy getting alert and jittery

9-few drops wading their way through the lips->tongue….Mommy hoping against hope that today is again not the day of the thought “MILK CAN BE EVIL….For my little DEVIL”

10:Awww…..Thank god he is up and going or may be the right thing to say would have to be “its all down the throat and still going strong”

AIM:200 ml of warm milk with 2 scoops of pediasure down a 12 kg Vedant

RESULT:120ml of cold milk down a 12 kg Vedant who if pushed further for the same might soon be 11.8 kg…(Shudders!!!!

Here is the mom who has experienced such a gamut of emotions within a matter of femtosecs-that of a stern & bullying to an emotionally physically ravaged/bullied mere mortal…..

There were days when as a tired mom all that crossed my mind was may be its the right time to just get myself out of this thankless job for atleast a while in a day. However there were other instances where my heart couldnt bear the thought of being away from the most cherised or let me say the “ONLY” cherished part of me/my body/my soul my life….and these were incontrovertibly the more predominant feelings….